I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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