If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i barfeds in our rink
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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