If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
