wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
