he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
