In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
