It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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