life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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