The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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