If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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