Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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