Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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