so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
