Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
