The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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