i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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