We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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