Just cropdusted the office
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
