come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
