I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
