before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
