my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
