he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
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