Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
