mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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