So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
