Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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