The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
