Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
