I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
