I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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