I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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