New low: just hacked my moms facebook
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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