oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
