you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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