I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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