smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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