new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
