I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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