morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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