I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
