A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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