So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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