she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
