My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
