toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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