thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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