I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
