He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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