I'm going to rape someone's good day.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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