I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The air was thick with penises
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
