I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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