the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
